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[Dec. 8th, 2009|09:40 am] |
so i will get my camera, after all. andy and i decided to split a holga 135.
this obsession with analog cameras came from this store in which i bought my roommie a birthday present, recently. i fell in love with pin holes camera (specially, the holga) because they can produce these awesome german expressionist-like pictures. and the advantage of the holga 135, over say, the holga 120 is that it uses 35mm film. which means like regular film, not like expensive special film that is harder to find a place of process.
and since it's a pinhole, it means i don't have to worry about lens or flash. it's basically baby's first analog camera.
and since we both pretty much have joint custody of a lot of each other's stuff (say, acrylics, books, bristol paper, clothes, shoes*) splitting a camera is really not that big of a deal. it's cheaper. and it will lead to many adventures of taking pictures of things. like mangy cats that ass cars with weird cat ass juice.
that is a true story.
i feel happy. i feel a surge of creativity. i know i should focus on comics i should spend this energy on. but i'd like to think this will help me with comics.
maybe. maybe i am making excuses for myself.
* though my feet are a little wider, we're pretty much the same size. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 1st, 2009|10:03 am] |
whenever i'm over at andy's and i'm wasting time online or getting ready to go to work, i make him ice coffee. since he's asleep most of the time. i make him ice coffee so it could be ready by the time he wakes up.
he makes me egg drop soup whenever i'm hungry, so it's kinda even.
i wanted to buy myself<a href="http://www.argonauta.com/html/holga_cameras.htm" target="_blank> an analog camera</a> but i don't think i'll have any money to. since i haven't registered for classes yet, because i made my last school payment kinda late. and the bursar put a hold on my account. i really want to take two classes this semester, and if i register by friday, when i have money, i'll be able to get on a five payment plan. which means i can take chinese 102 and a intro to painting class.
i think painting the holiday windows where i work has taught me how to be more secure with acrylics. even though my designs are kinda simple, i don't feel as threatened by paint as i used to. which means i can register to an intro class and be the best in the class, due to my superior abilities.
also, i can't spend much money on myself 'cos christmas is coming up. and i'm going home. to texas to visit. i am excited and i am also scared. i am scared because i know of all the drama to expect. and if i was able to be my mature secure self that i always am when i am in new york, i would be able to stomach it.
but i'm not. i become insecure and scared and docile like i used to be when i lived there. and i fucking hated, because i don't want to forever live in fear of my family. i want them to love me for who i am. which is hard to stand up for myself when all i hear is when are you going to change? i don't like the way you are.
i don't know if most of the ill will comes from the fact that even if i did drop out of college, i made my way back. and i have been able to build security for myself, without anyone's help <sup>*</sup>. unlike my most of my cousins, i haven't been in jail or had shot gun weddings or became diabetic. pretty much have managed to do what i want, under my terms.
and yet it is still hard to feel accepted.
or maybe my anxiety is exaggerated. maybe i will be able to be myself and enjoy myself. my brother wants me to write a short film we can shot while i'm down there. we have been doing stuff like that, since he finally grew up and decided to stop torturing me.
i am still resentful of all the evil he plagued my formative years with. but i am learning to forgive him. just like i have been learning to not listen as much to the people who criticize me.
also. i want to show up winter fat. so they can learn to leave me alone.
<sup>*</sup> except the occasional, "mom, dad i have no money. plz help", which shouldn't count, because as my parents, they are obliged to help me out. specially when i rarely ask for help. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 23rd, 2009|11:46 am] |
the only thing that's better than debating when to go to the gym is watching true life: i can't stay thin.
a lot of it is sad because it reminds me of my old eating habits.
but then i don't have a lot of respect for yo-yo dieters. and the people on this episode do some hardcore yo-yoing.
this is the first year where i'm not really concerned with how fat i look when i go down for christmas. which makes me proud, and also fat.
my aunts are hardcore yo-yo dieters, and they're always telling people what they should do to loose weight. no one has told me to loose weight since i moved to new york. no one but the stray tourist who just won't shut up about the cabbage soup diet.
because you know, nothing is better than not eating when you're hungry.
and cabbage also.
i do want to stay active. i like being active. i don't like the idea of losing weight, because pathetically enough, i don't want to invest that much money on a new wardrobe.
because i have a comic book habit to support.
but whatever. i've never gained enough weight to outgrow my clothes.
i'll go to the gym when tyra is on. because exercise is only good when she is belittling people. oh tyra. i want to be a proud african american woman just like you. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 22nd, 2009|01:45 pm] |
slept 'til noon on my day off. spent last night drowning my sorrows in food and online entertainment.
food schmood. i could go to the gym. i haven't gone in two months, because i've been congested for two months. which probably means i am asthmatic, but too poor and uninsured to do something about it. i have started to feel better this week and i am considering going. just not now. i need some coffee. i have eaten an apple and an orange.
since i've moved to new york, i've always gotten fatter in the winter. sometimes i don't want to fight it.
i had a weird dream about some movie about uma thruman having issues..of some sort. and danny devito was her therapist. analyst to be precise. (maybe coming from the idea that i have been seeing an analyst for like a year and a half.) and it involved blogging and crying. the story of my life but with famous people in it.
one of the girls i work with is going on a date with his guy she met on the train. she said what caught her attention is that he was a white guy in jackson heights. to everyone who has no idea of what i'm talking about: i've never seen a white person in jackson heights. which is why they have the best indian restaurants in the city.
and being the stalker that i am, i googled him. i found his blog. and his whole deal is that he plays up his seth rogen-ness, the idea that he too, is fat and unattractive and jewy and that's hip. which is why it gets him hot chicks.
i'm sorry, but i find such shit stupid if that standard can't apply to women.
i would never go out with a guy like him. because he voted for bloomberg (because everyone i know was like, "you can't fight the machine", but you know what. he won by a landslide). he thinks garcia marquez is dumb for being a castro sympathizer (as as someone with ties to latin america, i can tell you that all latin american intellectuals love castro).
because i am a flaky irrational person, who is lost too deep inside myself. too deep inside my books and comic books and old cartoon nostalgia. and go to museums and poetry libraries and obsess over movies like buckaroo banazai and me and my boyfriend stay up too late watching star trek.
when we first started dating, he wanted to stay up watching this horrible made for tv movie about the impressionists. which was being told through monet on his deathbed, which had many flashbacks.
i don't remember most of it. i fell asleep. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 14th, 2009|11:03 pm] |
tengo el deseo inexplicable de escribir en espanol. aunque el deseo, no es inexplicable. es mi razon. es mi ser. jamas podre despegarme de la lengua (adentro de mi boca, detras de mis dientes), por que es mi primer lenguage.
una de estas pinches escritoras hispanoamericanas, de las que escriben ficciones sobre el balance del biculturalismo, de bocas bilingues y pensamientos bilingues y toda esa mierda. que escribia sobre la idea de hablar ingles pero amar y sonar en espanol. lo que se me hace un poco ridiculo (un poco no, casi un chingo). porque yo nunca senti que los dos lenguages no pudieran convivir. prodria ser porque mis padres nunca hablaron ingles en la casa, or porque creci donde todos hablan espanol.
y nunca supe distingir lo que soy contra lo que es..como se le dice mainstream. porque siempre he sido mainstream donde vivo. nunca he podido desprenderme me mi cultura, como nunca he podido desprenderme de mi lengua.
lo que escribo no es nada nuevo. ademas, me averguenza de estar tan mal escrito, tan influenciado por el ingles. por que yo quiero ser mi propia persona. quiero que la gente entienda de que mundo vengo. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 2nd, 2009|09:06 am] |
i wish i could be sleeping, but my sinuses are clogged up like fuck. to the point where such sinuses prevented me from going out on halloween. (and i was all dressed up and everything, but i just wouldn't be able to handle going out and all. ugh.) so instead i am staying up and drinking nasty oregano tea, because it's really good for clearing sinuses. the problem is that it's really, really nasty.
but it's effective, not only are my sinuses clear, they are also dripping..with success.
i want to make tofay my 80th attempt at making flour tortillas. people might be thinking ethnic child from an ethnic household, shouldn't be able to know how to make flour tortillas? and the answer is yes and no. my mom is very well known for hers. however, when i tried to get the recipe from her, it didn't make a lot of sense because she eyeballs all the proportions. which is the part i have difficulty figuring out.
so instead of getting really nice and fluffy warm tortillas. i end up with rock hard doughy abominations. so today, now that i've been looking up recipes. i will try it again. except i don't have a rolling pin. so i could either use an empty bottle of vodka or an empty bottle or marinara sauce.
i say the vodka bottle has a better shape for it.
there goes my nose again. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 12th, 2009|02:53 pm] |
why do i have to carry all this horrible ugly pain with me. why can't i let go of it. i am like tlaelcuani the dirt eater, of aztec mythology. absorbs the sins of her worshippers.
i don't know if sometimes wanting to be alone and feeling alone are the same thing. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 11th, 2009|11:46 am] |
now the icons are al tricked on on true blood, because i am obsessed and it was only a matter of time for this obsession to manifest itself out into the world. i have spent the past couple of weeks watching the show, and catching up with the two seasons i had missed. as a former fan girl, despite abandoning most of my fannish ways, i still feel the need to have some sort of serial that needs to fill the big gaping hole lord of the rings left into my life.
and it always help if the show is about vampires or any sort of fantastical shit, because it's pretty obvious i'm a nerd like that. sexiness helps too.
sometimes i wonder how aware of fandoms tv writers are, and sometimes i wonder how much acknowledgment of a fandom is intentional or coincidential. like the reference to bill and eric having sex to get over their macho posturing. because that's what they want deep down inside, but they try to make everyone else think that they're fighting for sookie.
and godric. but godric and eric's relationship is so very obvious. to the point where even my boyfriend had to admit the homoerotic subtext. it's almost like homoerotic subtext was an uncredited cast member in the second season.
i am babbling about true blood because otherwise i feel sad in my life. there isn't anything obviously wrong with it, school is going fine, work is okay. but recently i've been feeling more down than usual. i haven't been able to sleep well. i have constant headaches. i need to feel like people appreciate the shit i do. i need to do something that reflects that. i am self-sufficient and have managed to keep myself afloat for 6 years now. but i still feel useless. i still feel like a fuck up. i still feel like i can't do things right. and i don't know what to do to change feeling like that.
all i want to do is sleep and eat and not get headaches.
i am quite aware of all the blessings i have around me. all i want to do is figure out how not to feel like a failure, despite all that i have and all i have done.
in almost reminds me of the cure album bloodflowers, which is bad in retrospective, but it's the first cure album i bought and there will always be a piece of my heart devoted to it.
just like there is a piece of my heart devoted to gay vampire sex.
EDIT:MAYBE SOMEDAAAAAAYYY COMES IF I COULD DO IT AGAIN MAYBE JUST ONCE MORE THINK I COULD MAKE IT WORK LIKE I DID BEFORE IF I COULD TRY IT OUT OF I COULD BE SURE THAT MAYBE SOMEDAY IS THE LAST TIME YEAH MAYBE SOMEDAY IS THE END OH MAYBE SOMEDAY IS WHEN IT ALL STOPS OR MAYBE SOMEDAY ALWAYS COMES AGAAAAAIIN.
when you feel down. all you have to do is listen to the cure albums of your youth. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 21st, 2009|11:59 am] |
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i can't sleep, because the sun is shinning brightly in my face. even though i took two melatonins when i went to sleep. which was close to six, because i was watching true blood online. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 15th, 2009|01:37 pm] |
i feel weird about writing about this here. since i guess ever since i started dating andy, i've never really written about the bad aspects of our relationship, since there are rarely any. most of the time i've felt like that. sometimes we bicker, we get angry at each other, but it's usually over stuff we can talk over or agree to disagree on.
but there are things that i've become increasingly frustrated with. things that i rarely think about, let alone talk about. because part of it comes from the need to keep all my problems to myself. part of it comes from feeling embarrassed about confiding this to someone. because the last thing i wanna hear when i'm pouring my heart out is something along the lines of you've been putting up with that for how long?
i think the reason as to why we have been going on for as long as we have is a mutual sense of confusion. we're both inbetween. inbetween what. inbetween everything. i always felt people have been going on with their lives, in terms of what they do or what they can achieve. and i feel like i am the inbetween. i'm still trying to complete my undergrad. i still have a hardtime relating to people. i am still don't have a "real job".
and when i met andy we both shared that sense. though, hes about three years older than me, and has finished college. but he hasn't done anything more than i have. which was part of why we could get close. because we both knew what it was like. because i feel intimidated by people who have good jobs or are doing shit with their good degrees. i feel like a bum and a loser. and he does too. we have been losers together.
but there was always the underlying feeling that maybe we would get our shit together and how the world how awesome we were. because we both had potential. i always saw the potential in him, and have been waiting for the time in which it will shine through, bereft of insecurities or expectations or the need of perfectionism.
but i guess as of recently i've started to become disillusioned with the realization that i have been moving ahead (getting paid more, started going to school, started going to the gym semiregularly. started going to school). but he hasn't been doing much.
or has even tried to.
and i don't how to feel about that. it clearly upsets me, because it poses a dilemma. should i just put up with it and wait, as i have since we started dating. or should i just realize that it is not gonna happen. that maybe i was wasting my time, as many people had hinted when we just started dating. (you need a man, a friend told me, not a boy.)
because i do like him a lot. because he is my friend my confidant my lover my support and all that shit that boyfriends become. and i don't want to loose any of that.
my roommate broke up with her ex-boyfriend about two years ago. i think. i remember that she increasingly started to feel more miserable around him, even though they used to be really into each other. thick as thieves. and then all of the sudden she broke up with him, because she couldn't put up with his shit anymore. he had a lot of emotional baggage. she also didn't like the idea that he wasn't doing anything much with himself. he dropped out of school. just to get a unionized job and then quit that. she was really hung up on him. ideally, she said, she wanted for him to get better so they could get back together.
and now i'm starting to wonder if i am following down the same path. i feel like i now i can understand what she went through. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 15th, 2009|09:23 am] |
so i was supposed to work on sunday, but i called out. by having worked on sunday, i was given tuesday off. and since no one has called to let me know i have to come in, i am going to assume i'm having the day off.
i did not go in on sunday, for various reasons. i was really tired, ridiculously tired. to the point where i was hysterical and crying about it. and i was really pissed off at the idea that my supervisor has been doing less work than i have. like a lot less. like sitting around pasting leaves on ribbons while i handle rushes al by myself.
and this is really passive aggressive and stupid, but i don't know what else to do about it. i know i can't get fired, because i'm otherwise the most reliable worker. and they don't really wanna fire people, because they don't want to hire people. so i can get away with it.
normally, i would resort to petty shit like this. but this just taught me i'm not above it. specially if everyone else does it all the time. specially, if you're supervisor, you work less hours than i do, you work less than i do, and i am incredibly more competent than you.
this probably says i need i new job, but i don't know. i definitely would like to do something else, but it's harder in terms of school scheduling. and in terms of where to go. i know i probably won't be able to find a better retail job, most of them would be about the same. and since now i'm just working for money, if i were to do something else, i would probably end up feeling the same way about it. eventually.
and in terms of what i like. i don't know. i feel i am in victorian hysterics mode. i don't know what i'd like to do. and i don't know what i like. i feel frustrated and angry and hopeless. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 13th, 2009|10:38 am] |
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so this girl i work with liz asked me if i had heard this song called bela lugosi's dead. and i'm all like bitch i wrote that song. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 10th, 2009|11:43 am] |
i have spent most of my morning looking up the pinyin for a lot of the thing we have learned in class. pinyin is basically the phonetic simplification of mandarin. which is very useful for pronunciation, which we haven't worked on yet. which is frustrating me.
i have gone to three class sessions so far, and all we've learned is greetings. the same greeting composed of hello may i have your name? my last name is, i am called and you? i am very pleased to meet you. which as the prof. has said, time and time again, you greet you find information and you express your feelings.
i don't want to get the idea that my prof is dumb. i guess i can't call him dumb since he's a doctor. and doctors can't be dumb. it's just the way he teaches class that is dumb. we've been learning the same greeting, but we haven't worked on the piyin. which is frustrating because i can say these phrases in my sleep, except i'm not pronouncing them right. i even studied, because he hinted there would be a quiz. except the quiz was one of those lame quizzes that we have to grade among ourselves, under the bullshit idea that if we have him grade them we won't learn, or something.
which really pissed me off, since i thought he was gonna give us a real quiz, with real grades. because i aced that shit.
it makes me feel like i sound insufferable, but i wish he would give us something to work on. homework. i mean look at me, i'm giving myself homework. i took after the example of the cantonese kids in class (since a lot of the students can speak cantonese but not mandarin) and started to look up the pinyin.
part of me doesn't want to get frustrated with this class. i would feel inclined to drop out, except that i am paying for this class out of my own money. which is the only way i'm gonna be able to keep motivated to go to school, if i have to pay for it.
the only thing i miss from borders is just the fact that certain managers could let you have our check as early as wednesday, assuming you didn't tell anyone. i'm hurting for money. |
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| i wanna start a true blood fanfic site called true blood waits because that is delightfully clever. |
[Sep. 6th, 2009|02:08 pm] |
i woke up to the sound of my boyfriend's roommate vacuuming his room. (their walls are paper-thin. you can almost hear when someone is scratching their butt in the other room.) i woke up and thought, who the fuck would vacuum so early in the morning. and it turns out it was almost two.
i haven't slept in late in such a long time. i drank with my boyfriend, and his friend, who has his freshman-year-of-college-roommate, who just moved in to new york recently. the night was fun but not particularly exciting. we walked all the way to the beer garden in astoria, just to find out it was closed. just to go to another bar we hadn't been to in a while because his former housemate got 86'd*, just to realize it was kinda dead.
well i guess it is memorial labor who the fuck cares. both holidays are useless! day weekend. and people don't start coming in until tonight. i just kinda fell asleep at the second place 'cos i was dead tired.
then i woke up at 10 am to take my birth control pill, just to be under the impression that i was a vampire, and my boyfriend was a vampire and we had to go to our vampire hole before the sunlight would burn us up. but we had to call eric northman beforehand. i totally thought this was real for like ten minutes. you can tell someone is just getting into true blood. someone named me.
finding something to be obsessed with just helps me get by in life. i am also halfway through those romance/mystery novels the series are based on.
class has been going fine. i am still adjusting to being in school. i have the same complaint i always have, which is that i always hate the people i go to school with because they are not as smart as i am, or don't use knowledge to enrich themselves, just to show off how boring an academic they can be.
i know, it's little pissy and whiny. but this is a big issue i have. i don't automatically think everyone who is not me is dumb, but because i was never part of an academic environment that praised my strenghts, i became mostly self-educated and dying to meet people who were intellectually curious. high school sucked because everyone i went to school with were just worried with becoming straight a students who could regurgitate the right information at the right time, but not really question anything else. and my college experience wasn't much different.
oh and my other friends were burn-outs and druggies.
and i think this is the big problem i have with school. i have a hard time finding an environment i feel happy in. i think is about damn time i get over this, and over myself. i am not ashamed of being in a community college, because its program basically encourages me to take one class in each discipline, which means i don't have to pick a major just yet. which is one of the millions of things that fucked me up in college. the fact that all your school is focused with picking a major, just to realized years later you could have done so many other things.
i still need so much time to find out what i like.
i'm completely loving the language, though.
ps. dani you told me in my dreams that japanese was an infinitely superior language. an i argued with you about it.
*loooong story. the cliff notes version of it goes like: he thought the bartender totally wanted him. everytime he went there. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 27th, 2009|11:42 am] |
i am so nervous about school. i start on monday, which is a long way off from now. but the idea still makes me feel nervous.
like a combination of nerves and excitement. like. i love the idea that i am learning mandarin (something that, if i stick with my, my hypothetical grandchildren can find useful, since as my younger brother puts it, "they will pretty much be owned by the chinese"). i am going to take a class in something that i am interested on, as opposed to say, elementary algebra (which i do have to take, eventually).
ugh. my retail math skills are brilliant. it's just when you throw in letters and parenthesis that i stop understanding anything.
i am nervous because i dropped out of school in 2005. i haven't taken a single formal class since then. i have had a million (give or take a few) people come in my life and leave. i have had two jobs, lived in the same apartment, went through a bunch of roommates. have a boyfriend, who can be both a boy and a friend. gained weight, lost weight. now i have the ability to jog close to four miles, which i haven't been able to do in a long time.
i don't care about being a quarter of a century and still working on my undergrad. as pathetic as i often worry it makes me sound. i have my reasons for not being able to complete school. and since they're mostly financial, it seems like i just have to keep going, and make do with what i have.
i don't know why i'm nervous, new things always make me nervous. job interviews. therapy appointments. parties where i don't know anyone.
my first day of school is on monday. my boyfriend will be out of town. and my roommates fly to thailand this weekend. it's weird to think that when i started my first day of school, like six years ago, i also did it alone. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 17th, 2009|09:29 am] |
after a disturbing beer buzz game last night, i was led to realize that i do have somewhat of a texan pronunciation for some words. that i draw out my words. and it seems stupid that i wasn't aware of that. since i did grow up in texas. but everyone is always telling me that my accent is weird, like nothing they heard before. which i can't explain since this is the way i talk. people say it's a weird mix of hints of mexican with southern and something else. but no one can quite exactly peg where i'm from. specially since i just look pan-ethic to the untrained eye.
and even though i try to make things sound "normal" (nawrmal), i can't undrawl my words. i was getting frustrated trying to pronounce things short and sharp and new englandey the way my boyfriend does. but my mouth can't seem to keep dog from turning into daaawg.
so this rose me from my sleep several hours later. to look for this quiz. which is somewhat representative of my accent. equal levels neutral with a drawl.
| What American accent do you have? Your Result: The Midland "You have a Midland accent" is just another way of saying "you don't have an accent." You probably are from the Midland (Pennsylvania, southern Ohio, southern Indiana, southern Illinois, and Missouri) but then for all we know you could be from Florida or Charleston or one of those big southern cities like Atlanta or Dallas. You have a good voice for TV and radio. | | The Inland North | | | The South | | | The West | | | The Northeast | | | Philadelphia | | | Boston | | | North Central | | What American accent do you have?
Quiz Created on GoToQuiz |
i had a margarita that had mango and jalapeños in it. it was as awesome as it was spicy. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 13th, 2009|11:59 am] |
i am sweaty from my 50 minute work out.
i am glad that working out this much is good for being active and doesn't make me loose too much weight. the last thing i need to do now is spend money on clothes.
i am only taking one class this fall, because of financial reasons. because fin-aid just keeps pulling documents i need from out of my (and their ass) i am only able to take one class this fall. and i can't meet their requirements before the semester starts. so i can only afford to pay for one class, before resorting to private loans.
so i am signing up for a chinese (mandarin) class, which sounds really exciting. because really, who wants to go back to school to take english 101 or remedial math on their first semester.
and i haven't been to school in a while, so it might be better to just take it easy this next two semesters.
because everything else will work itself out. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 11th, 2009|12:02 am] |
i'm kind of obsessing with this; how a friend from borders told me via facebook that he's spending a lot of time outside the city to be with his dad, who has pancreatic cancer.
it hit me like a ton of bricks, because recently i had missed an opportunity to hang out with him. and it sucks to have a parent be ill (possibly terminally). and i relate a lot to him, because he's a really cool and smart guy but, much like me. he's having a hard time getting his shit together. like me, he took a decade to get his undergrad, and even after having completed it, he was, much like me, procrastinating about doing something with it.
when he left borders, he was slowly getting into that path. and he had some minor shit happen, stuff that big procrastinators like me use as an excuse to a set back. but he was slowly getting better, and now his dad is sick.
in a sense, it also made ma realize that life is always gonna throw you shit and you can't make excuses out of everything, if you wanna keep moving forward. there's never gonna be a perfect moment. you just have to do it. and it sucks, and it makes me feel scared. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 4th, 2009|07:59 am] |
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i am tired. i worked 50 hours this week and don't wanna go to this aseembly but i guess it looks like there's no other way. uuuugggh. |
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[Aug. 2nd, 2009|10:51 am] |
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i am tired and bloated and i have a student orientation on monday. despite its promise of refreshments, i know it's gonna blow. |
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